Intimacy With God

 

By Barry Zwahlen

 

When the Men’s Ministries was asked to lead our time together this morning (January 5, 2008), we were told the theme for the morning would be that prayer is connecting with God, not just getting answers.  I like that, because for me, prayer is much more than asking God for certain things and then waiting for His answer. For me, prayer is really about deep intimacy with God.

 

Years of Spiritual Growth

I believe that intimacy with God is quite different from Faith in God. I grew up in the Catholic Church, attended parochial school, was an altar boy, a choir boy, and never missed church.  But I literally was the prodigal son as I turned my back on God after high school and for many years made a series of poor decisions which hurt me and others.  At age 30 my life was a mess, and I turned to Christ, in faith. So I have had faith in God for over 30 years, and those were years of spiritual growth, of learning His Word, of serving Him in various ways.  Much of that growth occurred right here at CPC.

 

However, I believe that deep intimacy with God really began for me in 2001.  Many think that 2001 was a turning point year for our country as a result of Sept 11^th.  That year certainly changed my life.

 

Two Weddings and a Funeral

At the beginning of 2001, things were going very well for me and my family.  It’s almost as though, from a spiritual standpoint, my faith was on autopilot.  Brenda and I had been married 28 years and had a wonderful relationship.  My 2 daughters were beautiful, just finishing college, and getting ready to launch on their own.  I was a consultant to the High Technology sector and my business was very strong.  We were healthy – in fact – to this day I have never spent a day in the hospital.  At the beginning of 2001, the question I most likely would ask was – God, why have you been so good, to me?  In the spring of 2001, the high tech segment of the economy collapsed, and my business suffered greatly.  The collapse was so precipitous, and deep, that I sensed recovery would take years, which it did. In April 2001 I had a visit from Mike, now my son-in-law.  He said he loved Laura, my youngest, and he asked would I bless their desire to marry?  I didn’t see it coming, so I took a deep sigh of resignation and said yes.  About 3 months later I was visited by Steve, now my son-in-law.  He said he loved Allyson, my oldest, and asked would I bless their desire to marry?  I guess I am a slow learner because I didn’t see that one coming either.  I married off both of my beautiful baby girls within 9 months of each other.  My friends would kid me and say – you must really be hurting financially.  I would smile, but I really was hurting, here [in the heart], emotionally.  It just hurt so badly to give each of them up to another guy who would become the most important guy in their life.  And then, of course, September 11^th occurred, and I think that changed all of us.  The year ended with the death of my dad.

 

I Was Desperate for God

I believe the low point of that year, for me, occurred in late summer.  My dad’s health was in very rapid decline.  He suffered from ALS (1) disease.  I had flown back to Pittsburgh to spend time with him.  He was suffering greatly and was terrified of dying.  I have 2 brothers and a sister living in Pittsburgh. It seemed they were of no help to my dad and more likely would be involved in sibling arguments with each other. When I left Pittsburgh to return home I thought I would not see my dad alive again.  I boarded the plane for a 6 hour return flight to San Francisco and I just sank in my seat. 

This surely was the low point in my life emotionally.  The only word I can use to describe it was – I was desperate.  I was desperate for God.  It was one of those times when my spirit and soul just cried out to God.  I couldn’t even articulate the words. God’s Spirit had to groan on my behalf.

 

His Presence was Pervasive

As I settled into my seat, my first thought was maybe I can fall asleep.  For some reason, I took out my bible.  I just randomly leafed through my bible and my eyes focused on John’s Gospel.  For the next 6 hours, I read and meditated on John’s Gospel.  I read verse by verse, just letting each verse soak in deeply.  During that 6 hour plane ride, God spoke to me, through His word, and listened to my heart, so intimately, that I can only describe the experience as almost an out of body experience.  I was there, and I knew I was there, but He was so close to me.  His presence was pervasive.

 

I Want His Presence

That experience led me into a subsequent commitment on my part to begin a passionate pursuit of the Presence of God.(2)  It ushered in a significant change in the focus of my prayer life.  I no longer prayed exclusively for God’s blessing.  I wanted His presence.(3) I wanted to experience Him.

 

I Have Done Nothing but Open Windows

I want to share with you one other story of a wonderful gift of intimacy with God, which I received before the end of 2001. On October 29^th 2001, I received a call from my brother, Bob, who told me I needed to come to Pittsburgh immediately, because he believed Dad was in his final days.  I jumped on a redeye that night and arrived at my dad’s bedside about noon the next day.  I didn’t know until several days later that when Bob called me, my brothers and sister thought Dad was gone.  He was in a deep coma which they did not think he would come out of.  Before I share what happened, it would be helpful to know a little bit about my Dad and my relationship with him.

 

A Suitcase of Unfinished Business

My Dad was of Swiss Germanic descent.  He was extremely hard working, very responsible, and had the highest ethics.  However, he had no emotional connection to me or any of my brothers or sister.  I know now that my Dad loved me, but he didn’t know how to communicate that love to me.  He never told me he loved me, he never hugged me, never kissed me.  He was never involved in any of the activities which were important to me.  You see, I suffered the “absent father wound”. (4)  The guys here who have gone through men’s fraternity will know what I am talking about. My Dad was there, but he wasn’t there.  So when I left home, following college, I carried with me what Men’s Fraternity calls a suitcase of unfinished business, and this all came out of my relationship with my dad.  That suitcase contained pain, hurt, a failure to receive from a dad what every son needs.

 

Taking Care of Business

When I walked into my dad’s room that late October afternoon, he was awake.  He was sitting up in his bed.  He was totally alert.  For the next 48 hours, I sat with my dad at his side and together we took care of unfinished business. God had brought my dad back from the edge of death.  He was waiting for me, because he needed me as much as I needed him.  I needed to hear that he loved me and I needed his blessing.  He needed me to help him go meet his Lord.  As I said, he was terrified of dying, and I was the only family member who could help.  I had wondered for years if my dad would spend eternity with God.  Would we share that together, or would I lose him?

 

Working Hard to Convince God

There were 2 items in my dad’s room which I remember very well.  One was a large crucifix on the wall opposite his bed.  During those last 48 hours he often would raise his arm, pointing to that crucifix and would cry out “Jesus I love you”.  He did that because he was trying so hard to convince God that he, my dad, was worthy.  My dad was working just as hard in facing his death as he had in his life.  As we talked during those final 2 days, and I read scripture to him, and I prayed with him, I could sense that dad was finally beginning to relax. I think he sensed he was ready to go home to be with God.

 

Breathe – Your Holy Presence Living in Me

My dad died of ALS disease.  Breathing was very difficult for him.  He struggled to take every breath.  By about 6 PM on October 31^st (it was Halloween) I noticed a distinct change in his physical condition.  His breathing was no longer labored.  He wasn’t struggling to breathe at all.  But his breathing was very slow.  I would hear him take a breath, but then I wouldn’t hear him take another breath for 2-3 minutes.  That’s the way it was for the next couple of hours.  Every time I heard him breathe I would watch him closely and listen closely for the next breath.  Every time I heard him breathe I wondered if that would be the last breath he took.

 

God Spoke to Me

I told you about 2 items in his room I remembered.  The second item was a large clock, on the wall opposite his bed.  This clock had one of those big second hands that would move every time a second ticked off.  During those last 2 days I often looked at that clock.  A couple of times after 6PM one of the nurses would come in the room, dressed in her Halloween costume, making sure my dad was comfortable.  Time was moving ever so slowly.  It was exactly 9PM when I looked at the clock and God spoke to me.  I didn’t audibly hear a voice but the thought which He placed in my mind was so forceful that I knew He was speaking to me.  He said “Your dad will not die tonight, for tonight is Halloween.  I will take him home tomorrow, November 1^st, which is All Saints Day.”  For those of you familiar with the Holy Days of the Catholic Church, All Saints day is a day to remember all those who have been taken home to be with God.  This was God’s way of telling me with absolute certainty that I would be with my dad again, in Glory.  And that’s exactly what happened.  My dad passed quietly, peacefully into the presence of God at noon on November 1.

 

Are You Desperate for God?

As we gather to pray today, let me ask you this question.  Are you passionately pursuing the Presence of God.  Do you want only the good things he gives us (and there is nothing wrong with desiring those blessings), or do you want HIM?  Are you desperate for God?     

 

Notes:

1.   Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS, sometimes called Lou Gehrig's Disease, or Maladie de Charcot) is a progressive, usually fatal, neurodegenerative disease caused by the degeneration of motor neurons, the nerve cells in the central nervous system that control voluntary muscle movement. As one of the motor neuron diseases, the disorder causes muscle weakness and atrophy throughout the body as both the upper and lower motor neurons degenerate and die, ceasing to send messages to muscles.

 

2.   “The Practice of the Presence of God” by Brother Lawrence 

 

3.   “Practicing His Presence” (The Library of Spiritual Classics, Volume 1) (Paperback) by Brother Lawrence (Author), Frank Laubach (Author)

 

4.   Men’s Fraternity “The Quest for Authentic Manhood” by Robert Lewis, Session 5: Remembering Dad (Absent Father Wound) and Session 6: Facing The Father Wound (Eight Proactive Remedies For the Absent Father Wound).